12 months of embracing the unknown
My Dear Son,
One year ago you were born.
One year ago I arrived at the hospital with a keen awareness of what was about to happen to me, but also with the realization that much was unknown. I knew these things for certain; I was about to be given a heavy dose of anesthesia, my lower abdomen was going to be cut open through multiple layers of tissue, a small person would be removed from my uterus, and then I would be given multiple drugs to recover and trick my body into believing that I had given birth. I knew that I would be in a lot of pain for the next few weeks as I tried to manage having a newborn and a toddler in the house at the same time. Oddly enough these things were nothing compared to the unknown.
One year ago you were the unknown. You had spent the last 19 weeks testing every ounce of my faith. I knew that you were feisty from the amount of movement that I felt, and that you were going to be much smaller than your older brother had been at birth. I knew that you had a soft marker for chromosomal abnormalities at my 20 week scan that completely sent me to my knees for two weeks while I waited for the results of a blood test that ultimately revealed nothing was wrong. I didn't know why you basically stopped growing, no matter how much I ate. I didn't know what would be wrong with you when you arrived in this world, and that scared me into believing that there was a very real chance that you wouldn't make it and would skip this earth for Heaven. I distanced myself from thinking too much about you and your future. I tried to make sense of it all, believing that maybe you would be like your tiny grandma Cathy and were a little little girl. I was angry because I wanted to have a VBAC and you denied me that option because the OB wouldn't let me get to 40 weeks because you stopped growing and we didn't know why.
Now you are known. You came into the world screaming and letting everyone know that you were tiny and mighty..... and a boy. You fit in my hand at first, but now you want to be everywhere but held most of the time. You grew on me and I finally felt the emotion of love beyond the choice that I had made to love you. You didn't go to Heaven, but have stuck around now for one very fast year. You got sick because this world is full of germs that like to attack little lungs, but you fought through those illnesses. You've kept up with milestones even though you are way behind in clothing size and percentile for height and weight. You have kept us laughing and learning to love all your quirky ways. Your beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair melt our hearts. Your smile is the absolute best thing I have ever seen.
More than anything, my beautiful son, you have made known to me the infinite wisdom of God. You are exactly what we all needed and He knew how to make you and where to put you in this world. I never knew that my heart could have as much love and concern for the well-being of another and I can't imagine living without you. You were unexpected and perfect and I am so happy to be your mama. Your hugs definitely make us all grow.
One year ago you were born.
One year ago I arrived at the hospital with a keen awareness of what was about to happen to me, but also with the realization that much was unknown. I knew these things for certain; I was about to be given a heavy dose of anesthesia, my lower abdomen was going to be cut open through multiple layers of tissue, a small person would be removed from my uterus, and then I would be given multiple drugs to recover and trick my body into believing that I had given birth. I knew that I would be in a lot of pain for the next few weeks as I tried to manage having a newborn and a toddler in the house at the same time. Oddly enough these things were nothing compared to the unknown.
One year ago you were the unknown. You had spent the last 19 weeks testing every ounce of my faith. I knew that you were feisty from the amount of movement that I felt, and that you were going to be much smaller than your older brother had been at birth. I knew that you had a soft marker for chromosomal abnormalities at my 20 week scan that completely sent me to my knees for two weeks while I waited for the results of a blood test that ultimately revealed nothing was wrong. I didn't know why you basically stopped growing, no matter how much I ate. I didn't know what would be wrong with you when you arrived in this world, and that scared me into believing that there was a very real chance that you wouldn't make it and would skip this earth for Heaven. I distanced myself from thinking too much about you and your future. I tried to make sense of it all, believing that maybe you would be like your tiny grandma Cathy and were a little little girl. I was angry because I wanted to have a VBAC and you denied me that option because the OB wouldn't let me get to 40 weeks because you stopped growing and we didn't know why.
Now you are known. You came into the world screaming and letting everyone know that you were tiny and mighty..... and a boy. You fit in my hand at first, but now you want to be everywhere but held most of the time. You grew on me and I finally felt the emotion of love beyond the choice that I had made to love you. You didn't go to Heaven, but have stuck around now for one very fast year. You got sick because this world is full of germs that like to attack little lungs, but you fought through those illnesses. You've kept up with milestones even though you are way behind in clothing size and percentile for height and weight. You have kept us laughing and learning to love all your quirky ways. Your beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair melt our hearts. Your smile is the absolute best thing I have ever seen.
More than anything, my beautiful son, you have made known to me the infinite wisdom of God. You are exactly what we all needed and He knew how to make you and where to put you in this world. I never knew that my heart could have as much love and concern for the well-being of another and I can't imagine living without you. You were unexpected and perfect and I am so happy to be your mama. Your hugs definitely make us all grow.
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