What people whose sibling has died will understand...
When someone you love dies, there are many "new normals" to negotiate. Some of them are obvious, like setting one less plate at supper or finding a way to honor that person's memory at family gatherings and holidays. There are also other things that those who are left behind have to negotiate based on who the person was. If your father dies, there might need to be a substitute person to walk you down the aisle at your wedding. If your child dies, you have to figure out what to do with their now empty bedroom.
As I grow older and experience parenthood and adulthood, I find that being an only child is lonelier now that I have children. The experience of mothering young child can be isolating as it is, but when you don't have a sibling sharing the experience with you, it really is tough. Siblings are the only ones who understand the baggage that you have entering into parenthood. They understand how your brain is working when you call them to complain about something that your mother or grandmother told you about parenting. They also are automatically the ones who you invite to all of the milestone events of parenting, like the 1st birthday party, Christmas gift exchanges, and school music programs.
No one invites me to come to their kids' Christmas program, but I would expect to be invited to my sister's kids' stuff if she were here and had children. No one invites my family to go on a vacation with them, but plenty of my friends do this with their siblings. Am I jealous of those people who
go to Disney with their sister's family or have a Sunday get-together around a child's birthday? Sure... to some extent, but it is a sad jealousy because if my sister had lived, we would be those people. Perhaps it is just the phase of life that I am in, or the time of year it is that makes these things so apparent to me. The "normal" of being an adult who lost their sibling is that you will be lonely, at least until your social circle can expand once your children are in school.
Some would say, "Geesh lady, go out and make some friends." Many of the friends that I have are super busy with their own raising of children and growing their careers, so the free time that they do have is reserved for their families. When your family is gone, you are left with free time that others fill with family.... so I can't blame them because I would be doing the same.
I am very thankful for those people in my life who have made our family part of theirs in a way that fills some of the hole that is left by the absence of my sister as an adult. My sons have an extended network of cousins, some real and some not, which is important because they have no 1st cousins living anywhere near them as my husband's brothers are multiple states away.
So the next time you are thinking about who might want to come watch your kids sporting event, come over for dinner, or take a family vacation with your family... think about your friends who are only children. Because family can mean more than just those who share a genealogy with you, it can mean all those people who share living a full life with you :)
As I grow older and experience parenthood and adulthood, I find that being an only child is lonelier now that I have children. The experience of mothering young child can be isolating as it is, but when you don't have a sibling sharing the experience with you, it really is tough. Siblings are the only ones who understand the baggage that you have entering into parenthood. They understand how your brain is working when you call them to complain about something that your mother or grandmother told you about parenting. They also are automatically the ones who you invite to all of the milestone events of parenting, like the 1st birthday party, Christmas gift exchanges, and school music programs.
No one invites me to come to their kids' Christmas program, but I would expect to be invited to my sister's kids' stuff if she were here and had children. No one invites my family to go on a vacation with them, but plenty of my friends do this with their siblings. Am I jealous of those people who
go to Disney with their sister's family or have a Sunday get-together around a child's birthday? Sure... to some extent, but it is a sad jealousy because if my sister had lived, we would be those people. Perhaps it is just the phase of life that I am in, or the time of year it is that makes these things so apparent to me. The "normal" of being an adult who lost their sibling is that you will be lonely, at least until your social circle can expand once your children are in school.
Some would say, "Geesh lady, go out and make some friends." Many of the friends that I have are super busy with their own raising of children and growing their careers, so the free time that they do have is reserved for their families. When your family is gone, you are left with free time that others fill with family.... so I can't blame them because I would be doing the same.
I am very thankful for those people in my life who have made our family part of theirs in a way that fills some of the hole that is left by the absence of my sister as an adult. My sons have an extended network of cousins, some real and some not, which is important because they have no 1st cousins living anywhere near them as my husband's brothers are multiple states away.
So the next time you are thinking about who might want to come watch your kids sporting event, come over for dinner, or take a family vacation with your family... think about your friends who are only children. Because family can mean more than just those who share a genealogy with you, it can mean all those people who share living a full life with you :)
Comments
Post a Comment